


My Morals Are Not Your Morals

by singmetosleep (ohmyheichou)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Stream of Consciousness, also if stuff offends u pls see the work title it's literally telling u i will probably offend u, ayyy it's another SI fic, but it also may not, consider yourself warned, essentially my motto, give me kitties or give me death, i am literally posting without any editing this is actual brain to mouth vomit, i mean i typically spend a lot of time thinking before writing, it's a bit cracky but aren't all the best naruto fics, luls, please do not come into this with positive expectations, so it may make sense, the stream is very fast and also very polluted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 10:08:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14282625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyheichou/pseuds/singmetosleep
Summary: Author gets dropped into the Naruto world, proceeds to learn how to kill things with disturbing enthusiasm, may or may not cry a lot. We don't know yet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a disturbing level of escapism and if I were a therapist I would tell me to stop this immediately, but I am not a therapist, so here we are. I need therapy though lol
> 
> Also this was definitely inspired by some fic I started reading but idk the inspiration was more "oh yes this makes me want to write a SI fic" and less anything concrete so here we are
> 
> enjoy my friends...if u can

Do you ever wonder about reincarnation? Because I do. A lot. 

Actually, that's kind of a dumb question. Obviously people think about this shit, because religion. I'm not very religious, FYI. I would tell you I hate Muslims and at least half of America would say I'm a bigoted conservative, but I also hate Christians, so the other half of America would probably tell you that I'm a privileged liberal and maybe also a communist.

Not religious, but sometimes I wish I were, because it would be nice to have that kind of conviction in...anything. 

Unfortunately for me, I have no good answers. Here I am, dropped into the body of some Uchiha in the Narutoverse, presumably unconscious or else I'm sure I would feel worse, and I still can't tell you whether not reincarnation is real. Oh, sure, this could be reincarnation. But are you  _sure_? I mean, I remember my "old life," but maybe that just means I jumped universes and jacked this chick's body. Has to suck to be this chick, except she would probably have been murdered by Itachi anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter that much. Alternatively, this could all be a very elaborate fever dream. Maybe I finally tried acid and it's just a wild, wild trip. Or maybe I've finally had the psychotic break that I've been convinced I'm going to have since I was in 10th grade and Cody made me so mad I wanted to kill him. 

The world will never know.

* * *

 

Waking up is a peculiar experience. 

My body is too small, but it is also weirdly comfortable. Like, it's my body. I know how to use it. But also, I feel like I'm wearing too small clothing and any moment Sarah will comment on my stomach. Not that Sarah ever actually did, but I worried about it. 

Also, now that I think about it, I actually kind of understand the fangirl phenomenon? When I was in middle school, this guy dated my entire friend circle. I shit you not he dated at least three of my girlfriends. And I myself had a crush on the dude. I still maintain that he used to be pretty cute. He's grown up to be not at all my taste, but he was a looker back then. Of course I also thought it was incredibly stupid how my friends were on the outs because of him, and yet I still managed to find him cute.

I feel a newfound sympathy for Sakura.

But also a newfound hatred for Kishimoto because what the fuck man fangirls at twelve makes sense but Karin???? She was old???? I mean not actually old but old enough to know better? Honey, girls are not just a walking pair of boobs with occasionally interesting abilities like Pikachu with Surf. We have dreams, alright? I mean, not me, because I'm Depressed As Fuck (it's not fun, 0/10 do not recommend), but in general girls are also people with goals and shit.

But I digress.

My body is uncomfortable yet comfortable, which is par for the course. Evidently my name is Uchiha Kiyoko. How do I know this? Simple, really. What five year old doesn't know their own name?

I've never really had a long stay in the hospital, and I don't really intend to start now. Hospitals are, after all, exceedingly dangerous places. They're concentrated nests of disease. Fuck that my dude. Fuck it real good.

So I ditch.

Or rather, I try to ditch. I get as far as the stairs before a nurse descends upon me and escorts me back to my room. She blabs on and on and on about "oh Kiyoko-chan you have to stay in your room" and wants to know why I left and "it's very busy right now" and my parents will be here soon and - wait. Hold the fuck up. Parents? Since when do I have parents? I thought SI/OC bitches were supposed to be orphans! 

If this is an acid trip, I suspect this is when the trip goes bad and I wake up naked in Miami three days later. Is that how acid works? Dunno.

Regardless, I shut up and let the nurse drag me back to my hospital room, which is actually more of a holding pen for children in general. There are so fucking many of them. Wow. I have the strongest urge to just hit one of them and see what they do, but my common sense wins out. By the thinnest margin. Mostly because I'm paranoid that if this is all a hallucination I don't want to have to explain why I started attacking random people. 

God, how am I going to survive?

The funniest thing, though, is that I'm not even sad. I don't miss my parents from Before, or either of my siblings. I do miss my cat. Cute little precious baby that she is. Or maybe that's the saddest thing - I hated my life enough that I'm totally chill with being born an Uchiha in the Narutoverse. Because you know, being born an Uchiha means either you're 1) born in the Warring Clans Period, 2) born into a village that totally fucking discriminates against you and your entire family, or 3) killed off by one Uchiha Itachi. Likely a combo of 2 and 3. Or you could also have the particularly awful fate of being born as Sasuke, in which case your brother massacres everyone you've ever known and loved in some stupid bid to keep you safe. Yay.

Well, let's look on the bright side. The Uchiha have ninneko, right? The first thing I'm going to do when I get out of this hospital is get my grubby little paws on a summoning contract. Give me kitties or give me death.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not emotionally stable and tbh i need like 12+ hrs of sleep right now but instead we get some word vomit

"Kiyokooooooooo!!!!" I ignore the nurse screaming my name and keep running and running, past nurses and people in wheelchairs until I forget to look where I'm going and I run straight into someone's leg. I'm positive this is karma for all of the times I've thought about kicking small children. But also - this dude man is an asshole, because there's  _no way_ he didn't see me coming. I look up and see a shock of gray hair. Ah. Kakashi. That explains it.

He peers down at me through his mask. "Where do you think you're going?"

"yokoooooooo!"

Shit. "I'm running from the nurse," I say gravely. 

He huffs, the kind of sharp exhale people do when they think something is funny but they're not quite laughing yet. "And why are you running from the nurse?"

I tell him that she's part of a conspiracy to kidnap me. This claim would probably get me a raised eyebrow at the very least, but since he has his ANBU mask on, I can't see shit. Also, it's not that outrageous of a claim, alright?

It happened like this:

Yesterday, the nurse told me my parents would be here soon.

This morning, she told me it was time for me to go home.

I walked with her to the lobby and there stood - I shit you not - Uchiha Itachi. Yes, you heard me right. The mass murderer himself, in the flesh. Oh, sure, he looks all cute and cuddly in this child form, but if Kishi is to be believed then that asshole became a pacifist at like age 4. And somehow this pacifism translated into mass murder. Specifically, murder of the Uchiha, and  _I am now an Uchiha._

So I noped the fuck out of there.

Which brings us to the now:

The nurse has found me and is attempting to "reason" with me.

I am clinging onto Kakashi's leg like a leech because fuck you nurse I don't want to go anywhere near Uchiha fucking Itachi unless he's already coughing up blood from his mysterious disease. 

Kakashi is staring at the ceiling like the answers to life are written up there. Or maybe he's communicating with the Sandaime. The crystal ball is weird, and I want to know why it didn't make more appearances in the anime. 

"Kiyoko-chan, don't you want to go home?"

"Don't act like you care! You're part of a conspiracy to kidnap me!"

"What? No...Itachi-kun came to get you."

Ohhh so it's -kun, is it? Am I supposed to think of him as a -kun, too? Because it's not fucking happening. I give her a Look. She doesn't react. Apparently my new adorable face doesn't do the bitch face very well. "He's, like, four."

There is a muffled snort above me. Shut up, Kakashi. This body is five but I'M MENTALLY TWENTY-TWO OKAY?! ...that's debatable, actually, but anyway.

The nurse says very patiently, "Itachi-kun is six, Kiyoko-chan."

Fine, whatever. Not the point, anyway. I scowl and say, "You said my parents were coming to get me."

And like magic, the nurse's face goes all sympathetic. Oh, what the fuck. Don't tell me I actually am an orphan? "Your tou-san is away on a mission, Kiyoko-chan. You know that."

And because the question is just begging to be asked, "What about my kaa-chan?"

The expression on the nurse's face changes.

Kakashi is suddenly very still.

And I remember, a buried memory suddenly unfurling:

_Kaa-chan? Wake up._

_Hands shaking_

_Kaa-chan, I'm hungry_

_Her face is so pale_

_Tou-san, kaa-chan isn't getting up_

_His face is so pale_

_Is kaa-chan okay?_

_I'm kicking and screaming and they won't let me see kaa-chan I know she's in there let me_ GO

"...ko-chan? Kiyoko-chan? Can you hear me? Kiyoko-chan?"

I blink back into reality, and they're both looking at me. I try to smile. I'm fairly sure I did not succeed, based on the nurse's expression. Her face twitches, and then she lies, "I don't know where your kaa-chan is, Kiyoko-chan. But Itachi-kun is here and he can help you get home."

I know it's a lie because I know kaa-chan is dead. I'm not sure if she committed suicide or if she somehow died in her sleep at the ripe old age of 30. I'm betting on suicide, but anyway...the Kiyoko before me, the Kiyoko I'm imagining, the Kiyoko before she imagined me, whatever you want to call her...that Kiyoko refused to believe that kaa-chan was gone. She's been dead for almost a year, but Kiyoko always says kaa-chan's on a long-term mission. 

How silly. What kind of woman would leave her four year old daughter behind to go on a long-term mission?

The nurse is still looking at me sympathetically and Kakashi is still utterly still. "...okay."

I tell Kakashi, "Bye, Inu-chan, come visit me," and then the nurse takes me away.

To Uchiha fucking Itachi.

Curse my moment of weakness I don't care if kaa-chan is dead I'M about to be dead fuuuuuuuuuck


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in some ways this is a good writing exercise but in others it's bad  
> mainly because i am writing this instead of writing my other actual planned fics with real characters and not word vomit

It is an awkward thing, walking around in a child body with the child version of a murderer at your side. 

It is even more awkward to walk around a village that I should know but that I do not. But then, the Uchiha don't really leave the compound, do they? And I am too young for the Academy, so I suppose I don't leave the compound much at all. 

The compound itself is more familiar. People smile at me, and I smile back. Habit. Unclear if it's this body's habit or mine. 

It's...nice. 

I'm not sure why I'm so pleased with it, because the murderer is still walking next to me, and he will kill all of these people. They dote on him - more people smile at him than they do me, and random old ladies are forever stopping us to give him sweets. They love him, and he's going to kill them. I hate him.

But god, I love his mother.

Mikoto is beautiful and kind and she makes delicious food. I don't know what any of this shit is called, but that's fine. I'm such a picky eater that that's always been the case. That's a nice thing about this reincarnation/body-hijacking deal - my tastebuds are all different. I could probably eat kale and like it. That's amazing. 

Anyway, she's nice. She's great. She's not kaa-chan, but she's everything I ever wished for my own mother to be. 

She must be exhausted - Sasuke is probably very young at this point, and she is the wife of the Clan Head. It must be uncomfortable to maneuver this political landscape, this shitstorm that is the aftermath of the Kyuubi attack. And then, of course, she was supposedly good friends with Kushina. I don't quite recall if that's fanon or canon, and in any case I don't know how much this world adheres to canon. 

Itachi kills her too. Mikoto asks the lying weasel to take care of Sasuke, and she lets him kill her. God, I hate the little bastard so much. 

Ugh. Whatever. I don't want to think about that.

Mikoto lets me stay at their house. Rather, she insists that I stay, since tou-san is still gone on his mission, whatever it is. I'm glad someone around here has the sense to not let small children live on their own. Lord knows it's a sense that most of the people in power in Konoha seem to lack. Honestly. 

* * *

It's a new day.

Now my question is this: when can I get myself enrolled in school? What is this body capable of? 

I want to learn how to kill people already. I am sure that sounds bloodthirsty, and it is, but you know what? It's also self-defense, because remember the child murderer?!?! The only way to fight a child murderer is to become one. Don't ask me to explain the logic. It's there and either you get it or you don't.

What do five year olds even do? I barely remember being five. 

"Kiyoko-chan?" Mikoto pokes her head into my room. 

I beam at her. "Yes, Mikoto-san?"

"Do you want to play with Itachi-kun?"

My smile freezes. I like you, Mikoto, but don't you think this is going a bit far? What kind of cruel joke is this universe trying to play on me? Is reincarnation actually a subtle form of torture or something? 

But I tell her yes, because I am still a five year old, and five year olds are weak against Mothering no Jutsu. Also, I am weak against Mothering no Jutsu.

* * *

When I was five, I went to pre-school. I don't remember much of it at all. 

But I remember kindergarten a little better, and I remember the way we played. We liked to play house, I think. Fake stoves and shit, you know?

Predictably, in this military dictatorship, playing is not quite so benign. I'm sure little civilian children play house, but little kunoichi do not. Little ninja do not. Fine, fine, I'll stop being dramatic and admit that we're just playing hide and go seek, which is a perfectly normal game that I used to play pre-Narutoverse.

It's not all drama, though, because hide and go seek is actually a childish way to hone stealth and tracking skills. Let me tell you - little weasel bitch is way too good at the stealth part. I am not so great at the tracking part. Seriously, I've looked everywhere for his stupid self. I've checked all the closets in the house, all the rooms, under the beds, even the  _cabinets in the kitchen_. He's probably outside somewhere, but if you think my lazy ass is going to go look for him all over the village, think again. 

Instead I skulk around until I find Mikoto, who is with baby Sasuke. She smiles when she sees me, and asks, "Where's Itachi-kun? Are you having fun?"

"I can't find him," I inform her, because it is the truth. Proof that hide and go seek has ninja connotations - Mikoto is not even the slightest bit worried, and instead suggests, "Ah. Maybe you should switch roles."

I wouldn't really mind that, but I would have to find him to make that suggestion. She concedes the point, then proudly introduces me to the baby in her arms. 

He's so cute?! I inch closer. I poke his cheek. It's so soft?! And his toes - little beans?! I can see why Itachi was so enthralled.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Little weasel comes running in and steps between me and Sasuke. My eye twitches. What an asshole. Overprotective much? I'm five! What am I going to do to him? 

Mikoto laughs at both of us, but she lets Itachi hold his little brother. I mean, that's fair...I'm not technically related...but still...

I pout. 

* * *

You know what's really nice about being an Uchiha? About living in this compound?

The feeling of belonging.

Asians make up about 6% of the population in the US. I read that somewhere. I don't know how accurate that percentage is, or if it differentiates between Asian-American citizens and immigrant Asians, but still. It's accurate enough in that it reflects how utterly alone I was for so much of my life. 

What's funny is that my mother always encouraged me to be friends with Asians, and I always rejected it, because I didn't want to be friends with someone just because they were the same race. I only understood later that we had a shared heritage, that Asian friends understood me better than my white ones. 

Basically, I only understood once it was too late. And by then I didn't feel like I belonged with anyone. Not the Asian cliques, not the white American cliques. 

But in the Uchiha compound, I look like them. They look like me. 

I belong.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was also very hard for me to write - does it have a different tone from the first two chaps?
> 
> anyway pls comment


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some days this is escapism and some days it's therapy  
> unclear if there's a substantial difference  
> anyway

You know what I've always found funny? Not ha-ha funny, unless you're laughing hysterically, but ironic funny. Unexpected funny.

My EQ score was quite high.

Of course, my IQ score was high, too, but that was expected. I don't remember the first time I was tested or why, but I was smart and I knew it. My parents knew it and my classmates knew it. I remember in fourth grade everyone wanted to work with me during science class because I knew all the parts of the cell and a lot of other people didn't. I chose to work with my friends. In retrospect, maybe they too were only friends with me because I was smart. I never used to worry about that, but sometimes I wonder. 

Anyway, back to the point. EQ stands for emotional quotient. An EQ test measures how in tune with your own emotions you are, as well as your ability to assess other people's emotions. That's simplifying it, but even based on that, I find it funny that my EQ score was high. I would have been content with average. Well, no, that's a lie. I would never be content with average, but I think that's what I expected.

Certainly that's what my classmates expected. I was a bundle of rage (still am, really) and good old Scott was all, "My score is XX I bet you scored lower than that!" And, of course, I took great delight in informing him that I had scored higher.

I'm not sure there's a point to this conversation about EQ other than to ensure that you understand I'm not an emotionally stable person. I don't remember ever being emotionally stable, though perhaps sometime in my childhood I was.

I met tou-san today.

He was nice, I guess.

I hate the word nice. It doesn't mean anything. It's like saying "I'm fine." It doesn't mean anything.

But that's the best way to sum tou-san up. He's clearly depressed, and who wouldn't be, with a dead wife and a four-now-five year old daughter who refuses to believe her mother's dead? He seemed happy enough to see me, but I of all people know how easy it is to fake being happy when you're depressed.

Though that, too, is a lie. It is in fact very difficult to fake being happy when you're depressed. Maybe it's easy for other people. But I never had enough energy. I cared enough to not let people know how I was feeling, because it would have been too much of a bother to have them worry about me.

Anyway, tou-san is a...nice...man, but that's all. He's depressed. He's a decent ninja - he's a jounin, after all. But maternal/paternal instincts aren't native to everyone, and I'm fairly sure that the ninja population is unusually deficient in that respect.

He came in, said hi to me, apparently not bothered by the amount of blood on his clothes, and then went to bed. He didn't ask me how I'd been or if I'd eaten dinner. He didn't eat dinner himself. He didn't even wash the blood and grime off of himself. He might have changed; I'm not sure.

Actually, he could just be tired as fuck after his mission from hell, right? I call it a mission from hell because he looked like shit. I don't have any idea what actually happened. It's just that it would suck balls for both of my biological parents to have depression. That shit is genetic. My thought processes are negative enough as it is; I don't need the chemicals in my brain to mess with me.

Ugh.

* * *

"Kiyo-chan!"

I squeal as tou-san picks me up and swings me around. 

Maybe he's not depressed after all. Or he's just better at hiding it today. Shut up, brain. I'm tired of the negativity.

"And how is my princess today?"

"I'm not a princess! I'm a  _kunoichi._ " The words are out of my mouth in an instant. Wow. I guess I've said this exact same thing so many times that it's second nature.

Tou-san laughs and ruffles my hair. "Princesses can be kunoichi, too."

"No," I assert, the words familiar, "they can't. Princesses have to be rescued, and kunoichi don't."

He doesn't argue, just smiles at me fondly. "Well then, kunoichi-san, what would you like for breakfast today?"

"Bacon!"

"Crispy bacon coming right up for my esteemed kunoichi-san!"

I beam. I fucking love bacon. I pretty much never got to eat it Before. My mom said it was unhealthy and my sister said it was fattening. And I, of course, was too fat to risk eating such awful things. It's not like bacon was the problem, but whatever. At least I can have some now.

Tou-san watches me dig into the pile of bacon with gusto. I'm not entirely sure this much bacon is healthy, but fuck it. I don't care. He's eating it, too, so it's not like I'm going to end up eating the whole stack by myself.

"Did anything happen while I was away, Kiyo-chan?"

I pause in my relentless consumption of the holy food of the gods, bacon. Do I seem odd to him? Is that why he's asking?

Oh, wait. He's probably asking about the Kyuubi. That's fine.

I finish chewing before I answer him. "The Kyuubi attacked the village, but I don't really remember much of it."

"Yes, I heard about the attack. Are you sure you don't remember anything? You must have been very scared."

 

_there is dust everywhere I can't see_

_the air is red the sky is orange why is everything red black orange black red red black_

_someone pushes me_

_i turn to tell them it hurt_

_it's obaa-san_

_she's not moving_

"Kiyoko?"

I look up into my tou-san's worried eyes and give him a small, reassuring smile. "It was scary, but I'm okay. There were a lot of rocks and stuff but the Kyuubi wasn't really near here, I don't think."

Tou-san gazes at me for a moment longer before he nods. "That's good, then. I'm glad you're alright."

"Yeah."

* * *

I didn't mean to do it. I really, truly didn't.

Tou-san was helping me read through a book on wildlife. We do this a lot, apparently (I don't know why the fuck fanfics are always bitching about clan kids? I have had exactly 0 training from the clan as a whole, as far as I can tell), as I am a precocious child. It's really nice that tou-san decided to give me books to read instead of forcing me into early shinobi training.

To be honest I am really quite ready for shinobi training...but it's still nice that little five year old Uchiha Kiyoko got to be a child before her body was hijacked by me, twenty year old depressed college student.

Anyway, we were reading some book about animals. And then we got to the section on weasels.

You guessed it.

I took one look at that furry fucker and said, "Gross."

And that is why Tou-san is currently looking at me with a confused, mildly worried, face.

So I lean in like I'm telling him a secret and say, " _Itachi is gross._ "

As expected, tou-san gives me a look like I'm crazy. "Itachi...Fugaku's son?"

I nod solemnly.

"Itachi-kun is a perfectly nice child. Why don't you like him?"

I am already giving him an incredulous look before he can finish saying 'child.'

"He is  _not._ "

And then, of course, tou-san wants to know why I don't like Itachi, and all I can think of is stupid stuff like how he's so quiet and he never talks and that would be so, SO hypocritical of me to say because *I* am a quiet person who never talks. Well, in most contexts. It is so frustrating knowing that he's going to grow up to betray us all and I can't say anything about it.

So I give him the best reason I can. "He's creepy." Tou-san looks exasperated, so I hurry to add, "He always has these weird black birds hanging around him."

That's a pretty good reason, no? It's freaky.

Normally tou-san would take the opportunity to teach me more about the local wildlife so I could identify the species of the bird. But as it happens, Itachi's birds are not part of the local wildlife. "Those are summons, Kiyo-chan."

My ears perk up at that. Summons? Like...ninneko? Mwahahahhaha.

I WILL have my kitties!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment pls?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy am i in a mood today  
> just switched my meds so maybe tht's why  
> idk  
> hope u enjoy

Tou-san did not give me the contract for the cat summons.

No, instead he gave me a bunch of bullshit about how I was too young and they were a lot of responsibility and blah blah blah...

Okay, first of all, summons aren't pets, are they? How much responsibility could they possibly be?!

Second, I understand the kind of care pets require, okay? I had a cat! Granted, she was my sister's cat, but I did things. Like change the litter and feed her. Do you know how much sleep I've lost because that furry little devil woke me up at the ass crack of dawn? It's a good thing she's so cute. Imagine if a human tried to pull that shit on me. I would pull a Sasuke and blow shit up.

I understand the responsibility of pets so well that Before, when all the other kids my age wanted a pet (usually dogs, but cats are  _obviously_ superior), I didn't. I thought about having to give a dog baths and take it on walks...and I said fuuuuuuck that. My mother never had to deal with me crying for a pet because I already knew I wouldn't want to take care of it.

Someone's at the door. I am  _so_ not in the mood, but I get up anyway, because it wouldn't be fair to tou-san if his precious five year old princess suddenly turned into a surly teenager.

I immediately regret my generosity when the open door reveals the face of none other than the weasel himself. On the bright side, since I'm trying out this whole optimism thing, Mikoto is also there. And she's still so pretty. Maybe she could divorce Fugaku and marry tou-san instead. Then she could be my kaa-chan and it would be great. I would have to poison Itachi or something though because I wouldn't be able to sleep with that thing in the house...

Mikoto, goddess of my heart, smiles at me and says in her angelic voice, "Kiyoko-chan! Is your tou-san home?"

I nod, and because I'm a very well-trained Uchiha, I usher them into the living room before I go looking for tou-san.

"Tou-san, Mikoto-sama is here." I announce this in the reverent tone one might take when speaking about the Daimyo or the Hokage. Those old windbags don't deserve any respect, but whatever.

Tou-san looks amused, but he doesn't comment as he follows me back to the living room.

Mikoto graces us with another angelic smile before she says, "Kenshin-san! Itachi-kun had such fun with Kiyoko-chan the other day that I thought it would be nice if we could arrange some play dates for the two of them."

Um...what the actual fuck?

I look at Itachi, but his face is creepily blank, which tells me nothing. How could he have had fun with me when all I did was fail at finding him and then coo over Sasuke?

Oh no.

I made a mistake. Such a cliche mistake, too.

I did the thing - the thing where you treat someone like a normal person and they latch onto you because they've never been treated like a normal person before. And worse, I showed interest in one of the few things Itachi even cares about: Sasuke. I am doomed.

If I refuse to interact with them, that'll basically be interpreted as playing hard to get. Also I won't get to see Mikoto, which is not ideal. The only option here would be to treat Itachi the way everyone else treats him. Sadly, that is an impossibility, because I have trouble conforming to societal standards under normal circumstances, let alone when society demands being pleasant to someone I know is going to grow up to commit genocide.

Nothing for it.

I smile and nod as tou-san expresses delight over the possibility of his precious princess mingling with the head family. Alliteration. Nice.

Apparently I am not hiding my apprehension all that well, because tou-san bends down to whisper, "You don't have to play with him if you don't want, Kiyo-chan."

I tell him it's fine, and then tou-san is taking us to the park. Mikoto is going to spend some more time with Sasuke, which is understandable. Bonding with your newborn baby and all that.

 

At the park, Itachi just stands there. He hasn't said a word to me this entire time, and even tou-san is starting to give him weird looks. How can he enjoy spending time with me when he doesn't even talk to me?!

I will rebel if I have to be the social one. I don't do social. Okay? One of my friends even called me socially lazy, because I'm that antisocial.

But consider this.....summons.

Fuck.

Fine. I guess I'll have to talk to Itachi. To smile or not to smile?

Fuck it. Not like he ever smiles.

So I turn to him with a perfectly serious face before I realize the crucial flaw in my plan: tou-san is still hovering.

I hastily slap on a fake smile and say, "Wanna get on the swings, Itachi-kun?"

Itachi nods without expression.

Has he ever had fun in his life?

The answer is probably no, because I swear to god he stares at the swings trying to calculate the perfect force to push off and all this other bullshit.

I have had it.

This cannot stand.

I'm a grumpy bitch but even I can enjoy the motherfucking swings without looking at them like I'm trying to solve a badly worded math problem.

I order him onto a swing. He obeys without hesitation. Not sure if that speaks to how convincing I sound or how obedient he is. I'm going to go with the former, because the latter is too depressing. And then I pull that swing back as far as my puny little five year old arms can handle, and then I let him go.

And what do you know? Even future genocide committing ninja geniuses can laugh when they're on the swings.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep having random plot bunnies run through my brain so i haven't been able to complete any new chapters for my other actual planned fics...instead i write half chapters and really basic story outlines and then i just wrote this bc luls

Thanks to my utter  _weakness_ to watching small children be unhappy and repressed killing machines and needing to teach them how to have fun, I did not get a chance to pester Itachi about summons.

Emotions are just so frustrating sometimes. Morals are frustrating! Why couldn't I just let the little bastard be unhappy and weasel (ha, weasel) out information about summoning contracts? On the other hand, it's arguable that helping him have fun will strengthen Itachi's attachment to me, which I can then manipulate...

Sure, Kiyo-chan. Keep telling yourself it was all part of your "master plan." I'm not Itachi and I know it. I'm smart, sure, but I'm not a genius.

I have the sneaking suspicion that my brain is slowly regressing. And by regressing I mean I'm acting more like a child. How do I know this? Well, for one, I was much, much nicer as a child. The older I got, the more depressed I got, which translated into me being meaner/ruder to everyone around me.

But the real reason I know my brain is regressing: I DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT SEX. Arguably that's my body regressing...but anyway. The point is, I'm not horny ever. When I see an Icha Icha book my reaction is to gag. This is very strange for someone who spent a lot of time reading smutty Naruto fanfics.

On the bright side, and I'm not even being sarcastic this time, NO PERIODS FOR YEARS TO COME. I could weep with joy. In fact, I think I am weeping with joy.

"Kiyoko?"

Oh shit. It's tou-san. He looks worried, which is understandable. I'm obviously uninjured and should have no reason to be crying. I present this as more proof that I'm regressing, because I was definitely a lot better at suppressing tears before.

Anyway. What the fuck do I tell him?

"What's wrong, Kiyoko?"

Oh, I know. It's brilliant. I look down, because it's easier to fake sincerity that way. "I miss kaa-chan."

He winces. "I miss her too, Kiyo-chan."

I sniffle and say, "Why did she leave?"

He sighs, and I know he's thinking of what to say. It's hard enough to explain death to your young daughter, harder still when she adamantly refuses to believe you. We've had this conversation before.

But I'm going to put a twist on it this time. "...is it because she didn't love me?"

His breath catches, and suddenly I'm in his arms. "No, no, Kiyoko, your kaa-chan loved you very much." His voice is thick, like he's trying not to cry.

I didn't always trust that my own mother loved me. So I start crying for real, and he holds me, and I am so grateful that I have my tou-san.

* * *

I like to lay in bed. When I get a jounin-sensei and they ask me what I like, I'll probably tell them that's my hobby. It was my hobby Before, too. It is a symptom of depression, to be so unmotivated. Of course, my family never saw it that way. Even after I told them I was depressed and taking medication for it. Figures.

But my other hobby, the great passion of my life, is reading. I love to read. And as luck would have it, my family owns many books.

The downside is that a lot of those are children's books.

For example, the book I am holding is called  _Adventures of the Legendary Sannin_ and has a large picture of the Sannin looking dramatic on the cover. I note with interest that Tsunade's boobs don't look that big, but I'm not sure if this is an accurate representation or not.

Tou-san chooses this moment to come in and exclaim triumphantly, "See Kiyo-chan? Tsunade- _hime_ was a kunoichi!"

I scowl at him petulantly. "But that doesn't count because Tsunade-sama wasn't a  _real_ princess."

"Oho. So what does a real princess look like then?"

Huh. I don't know what a princess would look like in the Elemental Nations. The fillers were ages ago. Thankfully, I spy another book, this one called  _The Princess on the Moon,_ with a very dolled up woman on the cover. Presumably she is the princess on the moon. I gesture to the book with a smug smile, and tou-san shakes his head ruefully. "You're too smart for your own good, Kiyo-chan."

Actually I'm not as smart as I would like, but whatever. Details, details.

"Can I have better books, tou-san?"

He peers down at me, amused. "See? I told you you're too smart for your own good."

"It's not my fault these books are so  _boring_." I cross my arms and pout at him.

Tou-san heaves an overly dramatic sigh. "Weeeeeelll, since my princess insists, I guess we could go shopping for some harder books."

"I'm not a princess!"

* * *

 The bookstore is a cozy little place. Small, but filled with books from floor to ceiling. I love it.

I can already feel my eyes glazing over as I stare at the treasure with greedy eyes.

 

_Adventures of the Legendary Sannin_  ... but a chapter book, this time, and not a picture book.

_A Primer on Chakra Theory ..._ probably helpful.  


_Satoko the Warrior Princess_ ... ugh, with armor like that? Highly doubtful.  


_Basic Iryo-ninjutsu_ ... probably too advanced, but eh. I want it anyway.   


_History of the Senju and Uchiha ..._ probably propaganda. Well, maybe not yet. Maybe I should grab this while relatively accurate books are still floating around. I'm sure Danzo's going to suppress all of that soon. Fucking dictatorship.

Tou-san spies the last book and frowns. "We have plenty of books on our clan's history, Kiyo-chan. You don't need that."

Still examining the book, I reply absently, "But it's good to have both sides of the story."

A third party perspective, truth be told, would probably be useless...

_\- Compiled by Senju Katsuo -_

But this account is written by a Senju. It's worth reading just to gain insight into how their delusional minds work.

Though he still looks skeptical, Tou-san buys all four books for me. Time to do what I do best: nerd the fuck out. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell i started out in a good mood and then it rapidly deteriorated

Listen to this pile of shit:

_Senju Tobirama was deeply committed to the ideals of his brother, particularly the idea that children should have a childhood untainted by war._

I guess the propaganda has already started. Or maybe this is just more delusional Senju babbling? Or doublethink? Doublethink would explain sooooo much about Konoha.

TBH I'm already bored. I have no patience for nonfiction, particularly not when it's from the point of view of people I don't like or respect. It's true that this may come in handy at some point. It's also true that I'm exceptionally good at procrastinating and otherwise ignoring everything that I don't feel like doing at the moment. It's gotten me in trouble before, but not in enough trouble for me to change the habit.

I don't think the whole second life/fever dream of second life is doing much for that aspect of my personality. Eh, whatever. I'm not in the mood to care. Am I ever? A question for another time.

Let me read this chakra primer book instead...it's probably more interesting.

* * *

And so time passes. I read books that children my age probably shouldn't be reading - both of the overly violent for my age kind and of the rather too advanced for my age kind. I go on the occasional play date with future murderer Itachi, who is honestly kind of boring. I wonder if that's how I used to come off to people my age?

....Nah. If I was that boring I wouldn't be able to notice how boring Itachi is. Logic, right?

Anyway...

I attempt to do the katas that tou-san showed me, but I was very out of shape Before, and right now I'm a five year old, so it doesn't go all that well. I sneak treats from my aunt/cousin Hanako, who I always call nee-san because women generally prefer to be mistaken for younger than they are. Not everyone is like that, but Hanako is in her 30s or so (I think....? I'm not so good with ages) and she's therefore just at the age where one starts caring about that sort of thing. You know, the time period wherein you start mourning the way you wasted your 20s and you start celebrating your "twenty-first" birthday every year...

Can't relate? It's okay, I can't either. Too young when I got sucked into the Narutoverse.

Ah, I got distracted by discussing how boring Itachi can be, but here's the update on my mission to get cat summons:

.

.

.

Nothing's happened.

First of all, Itachi doesn't always want to talk about summoning because it's ninja related, and he enjoys acting like a normal child. That's my fault, for getting him on the swings that one time. Ughhhh. Second, *I* keep getting distracted by random childish things and so I forget to ask him about it. Really, I'm my own worst enemy.

Finally, the one time I actually managed to get some information out of him, Itachi told me he never even signed a contract with the crows.

My thought process was something like WHAT THE FU#$*#@&$@#)#(@)%&@??!?!?!?!!

I can't be the only one who thinks it's incredibly unfair how charmed Itachi's life is. Well, in terms of ninja skills. I suppose his life gets a bit shitty later on. Whatever. In this moment I just want to cuddle with some cats. Is that really too much to ask for?

Let me tell you something: I am  _going_ to get a cat summons if it's the last thing I do.

My new and improved Plan to Get a Cat Summons begins with convincing tou-san that I am responsible enough to handle a pet/summons. Hence why I am at the library, looking up pet care books and the like. The biggest problem with this particular plan is the fact that  _apparently_ switching universes isn't enough to get away from the canine-centric favoritism. Seriously, how many books have I seen on dog care and how many have I seen on cat care? Not sure about exact numbers, but the ratio is definitely fucked up. 

You know what? Whatever. The new plan has been scrapped.

I'm not in a good mood. 

It's all fun and games until you start really thinking about what's going on and how much the fundamentals of my life haven't fucking changed: namely, that I can't get what I want, that I'm always treated as a kid a.k.a. not trusted to do anything at all, and that everything fucking sucks.

Learned helplessness, kiddos. That's what they call this cycle of trying and failing and trying and failing and learning that  _nothing you do ever matters._ And voi-fucking-la, you have depression.

I guess I should be thankful I don't have any siblings. Because I hated my siblings. I loved them, but god, did I hate them. My stupidly perfect older sister who could do no wrong even though she cursed and drank too young and disobeyed any number of rules set down by our parents and my stupidly useless little brother who nonetheless could do no wrong because he wasn't actually useless, he just refused to be useful. I didn't explain that very well. I thought this burning rage had finally gone away. I lived my last life as a fucking volcano of negative emotions - just waiting to blow the fuck up - and I thought that this second chance would be different. 

I mean, before this random hiccup pissed me off, everything was going quite swimmingly.

Even my body feels great. It's full of energy, unlike before, when I was constantly exhausted no matter how much sleep I got. I used to joke that I was just really, really sleep-deprived and that's why it didn't matter if I got a lot of sleep one night, because I was still making up for all those hours of lost sleep. The truth, of course, was that I was one depressed little bitch. Sleep can only do so much when your brain is constantly telling you that nothing matters and that you're worthless and that nothing will ever get better and that there's no point in life. Ha. Ha. But now, I'm just ready to face the day with a bright smile like those obnoxious kids you see on commercials. Just have some mini wheats or whatever the fuck and you'll be a champion.

God.

But you know what? I haven't quite learned that everything fucks up just yet. So we're going with plan number 3, because of course I have a backup plan, even when I'm pissed off. Plan number 3 is *drumroll please* to ransack the Uchiha library for the summoning contract. 

What?

I didn't say it was going to be a good plan.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to tell u the truth I am stunned people read this fic and like it   
> it's a good feeling  
> also i read and appreciate all comments even if sometimes I don't reply or take a while to reply  
> in fact i can't remember if this is the fic with the as yet unreplied to comments but I thought I would put it out there

Tou-san surprises me by telling me he's signed me up for the Academy. Apparently my nerd sessions convinced him of my love of studying. What a riot. I don't even know how to seriously study. I just read. All the time. But that's fine.

But then he says the dreaded word: testing.

My smile freezes.

"What?"

His smile gets even bigger. "Testing, Kiyo-chan! So they can see where to place you." He pats my shoulder comfortingly. "I'm sure you'll do just fine!"

Right.

* * *

Testing is an awful, awful experience.

Not because the questions are that hard. Of course not.

The questions are designed to be doable by children, and even if my brain appears to be regressing in some ways, I am still more knowledgable than most of the people here.

The experience is awful because now I have to decide: to fake being a genius or not? Come on, we have all read some SI/OC fics, and inevitably, a lot of them get nabbed as geniuses because they're not good at pretending to be the average kid.

And I guess the story goes along well for them and all but here's the thing that they don't always address: being mentally advanced does not translate to shinobi skills, especially the physical kind.

Getting myself marked as a genius would mean having to be with older kids who might bully me...

Though I might need to practice against stronger opponents anyway...

Also I would be with Itachi...which is good....?

But I'm with Itachi a lot anyway, so....

What ultimately decides the debate is this: I've always hung out with kids my own age, but I've never particularly respected them. If I can't handle people my own age...how the fuck am I going to put up with little midgets??? Age 'em up!

* * *

The only problem with this plan of mine is the fact that I don't know any history. Like, at all. To give you an idea of how I answered my questions:

_Who was the Second Hokage?_

_\- a massive asshole_

_When did the Second Shinobi World War start?_

_\- when the Third got bored_

_Why did Uchiha Madara betray the village?_

_\- he was annoyed the aforementioned asshole got to be the Second Hokage_

_Who are the four Hokage?_

_\- Senju, Senju, Sarutobi, Namikaze_

__

Personally, i'm pretty sure these are all very accurate answers. They're just also highly irreverent answers and most definitely not what the instructors were looking for.

And that is how I get placed into remedial history class. 

What a disgrace. I have never, ever been placed into a remedial class. I'm that jerk who's always in gifted and talented and gets to skip all of the boring parts of class because I'm in some ~advanced~ class. 

This is probably karma, isn't it?

Well, you know what? Fuck you too karma. You nasty bitch.

If karma was real it would have to fuck itself in the ass. 

I'm not sure that made any sense. Whatever.

* * *

Tou-san gives me a weird look when I tell him I'm in remedial history. "But Kiyo-chan, don't you love history?"

"I do, tou-san," says my treacherous mouth. It's a bit hard not having total control of the things I end up saying. At least I'm learning how to improvise. "But I always read stories so it gets hard to keep track of the timeline and stuff."

Heh. The timeline. The timeline is going to shot to hell by the time I'm done with it. And good riddance. It's fucked up anyway. 

The thought makes me feel better. I'm going to literally change history. Take that learned helplessness. Though I suppose that also means I have to suffer through Itachi's company....it's for the greater good. The greater good. Just keep telling myself that and I can get through this. 

....

please send help he's so weird

As if on cue, he says gravely, "I can help you with history, Kiyoko-san."

I laugh nervously and say, "Oh no, I couldn't possibly inconvenience you like that!"

I also give tou-san a sharp glare when he tries to interject, probably with some kind of polite "oh how nice of you to offer Itachi-sama." Gag me. 

I mean, I'm old enough that Naruto probably won't be in my class, right? I think I can put up with a lot of idiocy as long as it's not screaming and covering me in paint while hollering about being the Hokage. 

....frankly, I hope I screw up the timeline enough that he never becomes Hokage. I hope someone like Lee becomes Hokage, because that's a real story of determination. I mean Gai fucked up Uchiha Madara enough that he acknowledged him. Ugh but is Kaguya real? Is that bullshit something I'm going to have to deal with?

Well, we'll deal with that when we get there. First I have to survive the massacre. And get some cats. Yeah, don't think I've forgotten about the cats. 

Apparently I've gotten a bit distracted, because Itachi is leaning into my space with a worried face. "Kiyoko-san? Are you alright?"

I lean away from him while trying to make it seem like I'm totally not leaning away from him  _I am so comfortable here tou-san what are you talking about_ and say blandly, "Fine, thanks. But really, you don't have to help me with history. The whole point of the remedial class is to get me the help I need."

He still looks rather doubtful, but he shuts up when I pull out a worksheet on chakra theory. It's ever so much more interesting than history is, and even the great genius Uchiha Itachi is not immune. Hehe. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh so I disappeared  
> at least it was less thana year  
> if anyone is still reading this pls enjoy

You know, I almost forgot about my interesting encounter with Kakashi in the hospital. Okay, so that's a lie. I totally forgot about it.

I only remembered because the ANBU were mentioned in my remedial history class. Apparently, they were formed by the Second Hokage. Because of  _course_ it would be that asshole who came up with a specific assassination corps. Anyone ever think of how the ANBU are the only ones who act even remotely like what historical ninja are supposed to be like?

Actually, why the fuck are we called ninja in this universe? What is the etymology of the word ninja? I have so many questions, and as always, so few answers.

It's deeply unfortunate that my remedial history class isn't going to talk about Sharingan no Kakashi. How dumb is it that Sasuke wouldn't know about an outsider with the Sharingan but some douche from Kiri would? It's incredibly stupid, actually, so maybe it will talk about him. But no, aren't ANBU supposed to be anonymous? Or something?

Itachi is giving me a Look. And yes, I am still spending time with him. He might be growing on me. That whole lonely kid thing. You know. We loners like to be alone...together. Also, Mikoto and her pearly smile when she descends upon my house in a flurry of motherly love and delicious bento are not things that are easily denied.

"Kiyoko-san," he says slowly, "are you alright?"

Does it say something about the state of my mental health when the child who will grow up to be a psychotic mass murderer regularly asks me if I'm alright?

Probably.

I continue to try and glare a hole into the worksheet I have on the Second Hokage's rule. Insufferable fuck.

Itachi waits patiently, which is more annoying than you might think. He doesn't react much when I ask abruptly, "What do you think about the ANBU?"

Instead he furrows his brow, looking as if I've just asked him for the meaning to life, and proceeds to thoroughly contemplate his answer. Sigh. How is this my life? I need new friends. Though if I get along with Itachi I'm not sure I'll get along with other, more normal people.

Anyway.

"The ANBU are the elite of the village, those who are sent on the most dangerous missions. They are strong and respected."

Wow. What a textbook answer. What was I even hoping for?

"But the life of an ANBU is a hard one. They do not work in the teams that Konoha is known for. They are alone in their work and, to some extent, in their lives. Their lives are short."

...something like that. So depressing. Ugh.

I sigh. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Why do you ask?"

I shrug. "I know the Second Hokage created the ANBU, but...I'm just not sure I really understand what he was trying to do when he created it. Why bother?"

Itachi resumes his thinking pose. Oh my god, why me? Is this how my friends used to feel around me?! No, probably not. It wasn't like I was a homicidal genius surrounded by average people. Nah, I was just a homicidal smartass surrounded by average people. Hmm.

Moving on from the disturbing similarities between me and Mr. Future Genocide...

"I am not sure," Itachi says. Gee thanks. I couldn't have said it better myself. "But we could go ask."

I take back my uncharitable thanks. Thank you for real. He knows where they are?!?!?!

"Great idea!" I chirp with a smile.

Kakashi, I am sure, could probably do without me and Mr. Future Genocide dogging his heels.  But we are both having a great deal of fun stalking him around town, so he's just going to have to deal with it. Besides, if he really wanted to, I'm sure he could lose us in a heartbeat. Well, maybe not Itachi the prodigy, but he could totally lose me if he wanted. So that must mean he doesn't mind us at all! Impeccable logic, I know.

Where was I going with this....?

Oh, right.

Kakashi spends an inordinate amount of time actually wandering around Konoha. He does not, in fact, spend that much time talking to the Memorial Stone. I suspect he learned his lesson after the Kyuubi attack. Though that's rather side, if you think about it. He's out here venerating his dead teammate and trying to live up to his "legacy" (he was like 12 or something, what kind of legacy could he possibly have had?) and meanwhile said dead teammate is wandering around killing people for shits and giggles.

Honestly, Obito. Be better.

Anyway, I am sure that Kakashi is pretty full of bullshit, and that he's often late for no good reason at all. But my stalking has shown me that he actually does spend a ridiculous amount of time helping old ladies cross the street and rescuing kitties from trees. Though I would like to point out how ridiculous the latter is - cats always land on their feet. Why the heck would a kitty be afraid to get out of a tree? And if they're so afraid, how does it make any sense that a strange human coming to get them would do any good?

...I wish we had the Internet here so I could Google this shit.

Someone sighs. Loudly.

Oh. It's Kakashi. I smile and wave at him from my perch in the tree above his head. He makes an expression of long-suffering (at least, I assume he does - can't really see past the mask) and says, "Hello, Kiyoko-chan. Why are you following me?"

I give him my best Innocent Little Girl smile. "I wanted to see what you were doing," I chirp, my tone implying duh.

Overly Perceptive at Inconvenient Times Genius Itachi gives me a look that says that was a really shitty excuse.

Remarkably, Kakashi himself seems to buy it. Guess it's because he's not a parent - his bullshit radar probably doesn't work that well on children. He just sighs. I am happy to note that it is a sigh of defeat. Excellent.

I hop off the tree and right onto Kakashi, who catches me easily. But he then proceeds to lower me to the ground, saying, "I'm sorry, Kiyoko-chan, but I am a bit busy right now."

Itachi's voice drifts down to the ground. "That is not true, Kakashi-san. You have spent the last two hours wandering aimlessly around Konoha."

God bless Not Perceptive at Very Convenient Times Genius Itachi.

I beam at Kakashi. "So it's okay if we follow you, right?"

Kakashi's eye might have twitched; it's hard to tell what with the literal rest of his face being covered. But he gives in, because how could a man who helps old ladies and stray animals for fun possibly resist the earnest request of a cute little girl? Kukuku. I win, y'all. I win.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm aliveeeeee  
> actually don't think it's been that long, all things considered  
> but yeah  
> hope you guys enjoy!

Kakashi was always one of my favorite characters, so I am thrilled to spend time with him. It would appear that he has yet to develop his absurd habit of reading erotica in public, which is nice. I'm not sure how tou-san would feel about my newfound obsession with the ANBU/Kakashi if Icha Icha was a part of this equation. As it is, telling him that I'm going to go stalk  _the_ Hatake Kakashi gets me nothing more than a distracted wave of his hand and a murmured, "Be careful, princess."

"Of course, tou-san," is my standard response, and then I'm off to go bother Kakashi.

Itachi also likes to tag along, more often than not. I think it's because Kakashi's an elite shinobi, and perhaps more importantly, one that graduated from the Academy in just one year. 

In case you were wondering, I typically stalk Kakashi when I'm supposed to be at the Academy. It's like three birds with one stone - socialize Itachi, skip boring class, and get some real life experience in tracking a target.

But all of that comes to an end rather abruptly, because life enjoys shitting on me, regardless of whether I live in America or in an Elemental Country. 

Tou-san may not care much about who I choose to stalk in my spare time (ninja kids, and all that), but he does care that I'm missing classes at the Academy. 

He sits me down with what I'm guessing is supposed to be a stern expression, and he asks me how things are going at the Academy. I wonder if the ninja poker face does not apply to parents, or if he is purposefully looking stern so that I know I'm not supposed to lie. Unclear.

Having been a very good student in my previous life, I don't have a lot of experience with covering up absences. But really, how is that my fault? Isn't it unfair that I'm getting a chance to be a kid and have fun, only to have it ruined by my lack of experience in being a delinquent? There is no winning choice here, just shit. 

"Princess?"

Oh, guess I zoned out again. Whoops. I smile, bat my big eyes, and tell him things are going fine, just fine.

Sadly, the big eye thing only works so often. I can tell it's not going to work this time, because we just sit in a slightly awkward silence for a minute or so. Then he puts an arm around me, and says, "Princess, I know it's boring. But you need to go to school, and you need to take your remedial history classes." I scowl at that, and he adds hastily, "And don't call the Second Hokage 'a dangerous lone wolf who should never have been integrated into the social structure of Konoha'."

I narrow my eyes and open my mouth to  protest.

Except tou-san is a good father and has apparently read all of my work, because he cuts me off before I can even get started. "And  _don't_ refer to the Senju as 'an assorted group of losers with no particular skills who only survived due to numbers and possibly kidnapping'."

My scowl deepens, and I slouch into the couch. "Why not? It's all true."

Tou-san gets this funny look on his face, like he's trying very hard not to laugh. Probably because he, like all Uchiha, enjoys making fun of the Senju. I just appear to be the only one willing to state such opinions publicly. I have quickly run out of fucks to give after being reincarnated or whatever, though, so maybe I can't blame everyone else for still having some fucks. 

"Princess."

His voice is tired, and I feel the slightest twinge of guilt. I heave a big, dramatic sigh. " _Fine_ , tou-san. I won't insult the Senju...too much."

 

* * *

 

So. I have been returned to remedial history lessons. What a bore. What a drag. Yay, Shikamaru. Ugh. 

My brain may be slightly less Depressed As Fuck, but it is still Scattered As Fuck, and sitting still through lessons of history is just not my idea of a good time. 

I scan the benches, looking for my next  ~~victim~~  friend. Civilian stock, civilian, civilian, unwashed Inuzuka, civilian, clean Inuzuka, civilian, civilian, Hyuuga, civilian - wait, what? Hyuuga? Since when do the Hyuuga send their kids to remedial history? Well, only one way to find out.

I plop down in the seat next to him, giving him a wide, sunny smile as soon as he turns to me. Insincere or not, smiles are one of the best ways to deflect negative attitudes. Humans like being liked. Smile, and they will likely smile back. Sure enough, his lips twitch upwards in a tentative smile, though he quickly wrestles his expression back to the sullen look that passes for Hyuuga stoicism on the young. 

"Why are you sitting there?"

"Why not?" I counter, drawing on Kakashi's ability to be obnoxious via seemingly innocent questions. It's pretty much a secret power of his. 

The Hyuuga scowls and doesn't reply, and then the teacher is rushing in, so we both shut our traps like good little Clan children. 

 

* * *

 

Turns out the Hyuuga is from the Branch Family, which explains why he can afford to get sent to a remedial class. No dishonor on the family when you're not really acknowledged as family. Ugh. The Hyuuga are  _such_ assholes.

Anyway, Hiroshi is a bit of a dick, which makes sense, being a Hyuuga and all. But we get along well enough, which again, probably says something about my personality. So we snipe at each other during class, and try to one-up each other with our answers. The teacher is clearly bewildered by us, as are most of the other students. The Inuzuka look vaguely amused, like they can smell the affection underlying our passive-aggressive looks. Who knows? Maybe they can. 

He makes it easier to get through the remedial history class, which should really be called the Intensive Brainwashing class. It's all about how kind and generous the Senju were, how they accepted anyone and everyone into their clan, blah blah blah...this is like the bullshit "melting pot" narrative of America. Ugh. Hiroshi and I like to make notes on these things together, and that makes class almost bearable.

It's a damn shame he's not in any of my other classes, which are generally filled with bleating sheep. The Hyuuga in my classes are Main Family, and incredibly stuck up. I mean, I've seen my face. I've seen my dad's face. Most Uchiha are beautiful but cursed with Resting Bitch Face. The Hyuuga, on the other hand, are just bitches. It gives me great satisfaction to beat them in most activities. Mwahahaha. 

 

 

 


End file.
